Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
