Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
