My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
