Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My vagina just recognized that song.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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