i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
