the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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