This is not my ceiling
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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