In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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