my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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