Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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