so that wasnt chicken after all
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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