I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
