I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
