Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
