Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This house was built for laser tag.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
