Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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