I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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