First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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