I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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