Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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