More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
