She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
