As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
