i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
