Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
