I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
