You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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