i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
