I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
