Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
