i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize