i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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