im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
