Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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