so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Drunk is a universal language darling
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
