just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
