he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
