You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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