My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
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i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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