THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
being pregnant is like rehab
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
