im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
