I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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