I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
