today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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