i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
be right there i have to get my cape
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
