Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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