if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
