Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
