I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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