god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
