Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
