I'm going to jail i love you
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
