I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
