Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
