i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
