note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
