he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
